The Ultimate Pasta Shirt

The year is 2040.

BMW has just released the X11, a five row SUV with a base price of $2.5 million. 30 inch wheels come standard with a $14,000 option to upgrade to 34inch “M-sport appearance” wheels. This is actually considered a compact SUV in the market which BMW refers to as an “eight-door coupe” in their marketing material. Under the hood is a 0.4 liter V2 making 1400hp with a seven scroll single turbo and an electric drivetrain that adds 869lb-ft of torque to the front wheels. Customers are required to log in with their social security number and retina scan to start the engine. Due to autonomous driving, the steering wheel is still in place, but functions as a giant iDrive knob to scroll through the menus on the 65 inch infotainment screen that has replaced the windshield. For crash safety purposes, the only glass in the whole car is a panoramic sunroof made of bullet proof glass that only opens a quarter inch as long as the car is traveling under 30mph, above which it is federally mandated to close. The gas and brake pedal are no longer functional and now control the brightness and color of the ambient lighting. There are 18 zones of climate in the car, but heated seats are only standard in the first and fourth row. Since the leather ban of 2027, manufacturers have been forced to switch to a composite cloth
material that is grown in a laboratory from bovine stem cells.

As my X11 leaves the dealership lot, I am forced to whisper to my wife to avoid being heard by the mandatory virtual assistant that is eagerly listening at all times for marketing information that will be sent back to BMW and sold to the government. After swiping my credit card in the built-in card reader in the dash to allow the car to drive directly to my house instead of taking me to McDonalds first for a 15 minute advertising session, I peer through the crack in the sunroof that has opened at a red light. I sit back in my chair and think to myself,

“This is the Ultimate Driving Machine.”

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Side-seamed